Surprise! I have another show to complain about this week. This time, it's ABC's "I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here!" There are so many things to hate about this show, I don't know where to begin.

First of all, I am so sick of reality shows, and I never watch them. Well, "Joe Millionaire" is an exception. It's like watching a car crash with a really, really dumb car.

I have only seen about 12 minutes of IACGMOOH, but I feel that is more than enough time to hate it, and I'll tell you why.

Here are the "celebrities" you can watch each week on IACGMOOH. If your career has diminished to the point that you have to appear on a crappy reality show on a crappy network, can you still call yourself a celebrity? And it's not just IACGMOOH. Look at that other celebrity reality show (unfortunately, there are two), "The Surreal Life" with MC Hammer, Emmanuel Lewis, and Corey Feldman. Corey Feldman for god's sake! The man is a living punchline! It says so on his business card!

Anyway, back to IACGMOOH. Let's get to know these celebrities, shall we? I hope you said yes, otherwise I have wasted my afternoon.

The show is hosted by a guy named John Lehr, who is supposedly an improv comic. His credits include the Christina Applegate juggernaut "Jesse," some pilot called "Electronic Highway," and something called "News Weasels." Yeah. Good luck with that, John.

Next we have Maria Conchita Alonso, whom I'm sure everyone recognizes as Amber Mendez, from "The Running Man." I could spend more time looking up her acting credits, but I don't really think that's necessary.

The fact that Tyson Beckford is one of the stars on IACGMOOH kind of surprised me. Could it be that his star has faded out so quickly that he needed to appear on this show? Surely not, I thought, then I learned that Mr. Beckford's credits include the films "Zoolander" and "Biker Boyz." I think I am going to send him a couple bucks.

What can be said about Downtown Julie Brown that hasn't been said before? This is the woman who coined the phrase "wubba wubba wubba," because she must be some kind of idiot. Look at her picture. Go ahead, look at it. You tell me she's not completely nuts.

These next two really tick me off. Bruce Jenner? Who the hell is Bruce Jenner? Ok, ok, I know he's a decathalon champion from the 1976 Olympics, but what the hell is he doing here? I guess they needed to fill their Bruce Quota and Bruce Vilanch was busy. (I can honestly say that I would watch this show if Bruce Vilanch was somehow involved.)

Question: Did you know who Cris Judd was before his brief marriage to Jennifer Lopez? NO YOU DID NOT! Why is Cris Judd considered a celebrity? Because he once shared a bed with J.Lo? If that's the case, how come Ben Affleck isn't considered a major star?

Robin Leach is the ONLY celebrity on this show who makes sense to me. This is the juxtaposition that I'm sure the show's producers were looking for when they conceived this ghastly monstrosity. Here is a guy who is associated with "champaigne wishes and caviar dreams," a phrase he is credited with, stuck in the middle of some forest or jungle or wherever the hell this show takes place. I really don't care. However, to you, Sir Leach, I say "Bravo!" Of the 12 minutes of HIACGMOOH that I watched, Mr. Leach spent the entire time gathering rainwater.

The next guy is someone named "Stuttering John." I have no idea who this guy is, and the fact that he's associated with Howard Stern makes me not care at all, so, moving along...

For the longest time, I thought the lady with the high-pitched voice in the Glad trash bags commercial was Melissa Rivers. Turns out it's not. Anyway, this is the daughter of Joan Rivers, who, as we all know, was replaced by a cyborg in 1987. (This was revealed when her faceplate fell off at the Grammys, revealing all the gears and whatnot inside. Surprisingly, people were okay with it.) I have a real problem with people becoming stars because of who their parents are. You don't see me in the banking industry just because my mom is. Damn freeloaders!

Nikki Schieler Ziering was discovered while working as a dental hygienist. (A nude dental office, I assume.) She has since graced the covers of "Playboy," "FHM," and "Muscle & Fitness." I have absolutely no problem with her, whatsoever.

The bio on ABC's official IACGMOOH website for Alana Stewart begins "One of Alana's best known projects was as co-host of The George and Alana Show, with ex-husband George Hamilton. Although she had never hosted a live talk show before..." The rest is even more boring.

She's also been married to Rod Stewart, so she'll probably do pretty well in the jungle since she's used to having creepy things crawling on her.

And who would be better suited to this kind of show than MacGyver himself? Surely Richard Dean Anderson has nothing better to do. You know what they say, "Idle hands are the devil's workshop. And Richard Dean Anderson is waiting for your call."

Pair him up with Vin Diesel's scale replica, Verne Troyer, for a surefire hit.

Finally, why not also turn IACGMOOH into a "Celebrity Reunion" show of sorts? Get Tony Shalhoub and Steven Weber in on the whole thing. (Keep Tim Daly out of it, though, that guy is a spotlight hog.)

I would suggest David Schramm, the guy who played Roy Biggins on Wings, but you know as well as I do how much they hated Roy on the show, I have a feeling a lot of that carried over into real life.