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02.16.03
9:00pm
What I've Learned From Watching Cribs |
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With
each new album, touchdown, or conviction, add a new door. The more
doors you have, the richer you are. |
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You
should have at least nine remote controls. It isn't necessary to
know how to use them, nor do they have to actually "control" anything
remotely. Also, always keep them lined up on your coffee table. |
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Your
furniture shouldn't only be grotesquely expensive, but also the
regular kind of grotesque. |
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Your
pool should resemble a small rainforest, and should cost more than
saving hundreds of real ones. For bonus points, themed pool areas
make for good laughs on later "Behind the Music" specials. |
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Develop
a strange obsession with the movie Scarface. It is not at all considered
obscene or excessive to dedicate an entire room in your crib to
this movie. (see "Trick Daddy") |
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Mercedes'
are what your "hoes" drive. |
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You
should have at least one or two Jaguar S-Types just for the heck
of it. However, you should never drive it. You don't need to be
drivin' no Jaguar when you a playa... |
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Playas
drive Hummers, and besides, Escalades are so 2002. If you truly
want to be a big baller, you must own
a Hummer. It should contain no less than 14 televisions. |
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Your
crib should reflect your style, such as this dining room, which
belongs to hardcore gangsta rapper Trina. |
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When
displaying your bed, you must say, "This is where the magic
happens." |
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This
is not a tub, it is where you "wash the stanky off your hang-down." |
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Jerry
O'Connell likes beer. Also, anyone can get onto "Cribs." |
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